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Shell-Shocked: Ukraine's Trauma

Dear Steve...

I need to talk to you.

I need you to know that I'm not mad. I never was and never will be. I can't be mad at you like you wanted. It was to make it easier, I know that. But this...what happened with us, not talking, is worse. I know I should just be an adult and talk to you, but then...then it will be real.

I want my friend back more than anything, but I can't even think about you without dreaming. I dreamed of living with you. I dreamed of a future with children and happiness and love like I have always wanted. I dreamed of showing you off. I dreamed of having dinners with your family and mine. I dreamed of having brothers. I dreamed of Christmas together, enjoying all of it. I dreamed of nights in cuddled on a couch or walks through the snow. I dreamed of you. Nothing but you and the plans you made.

But I have to stop dreaming. I have to stop hoping that you will be standing on my door step. I have to stop dreaming that you will just show up at class and just hug me like nothing happened. I have to stop hoping that you will see me and just want me. I have to stop seeing you at the movies and places we had gone. I have to give up on the promises you made, even the small ones. I just have to give up.

I have to give up...give up on you. And it feels damm near impossible! I need to walk. I have to take that last step and just stop feeling like I'm tied to someone. I don't want to be weak. I don't want to cry over you. I want to love you. I want you...but I have to move on. I have break the glass and see it is nothing more than a dream. It was something that was never going to work...And I should have known that.
 

You were never mine after all.

Hot Water - Simon's Cat

Meghan Trainor - All About That Bass

Exaustion

I'm tired...

I'm tired. I am just so tired. I'm so tired that I just don't want to do anything any more. I am too tired to draw or write or even read! I'm too tired to read!! I'm too tired to do one of the simplest pleasures in my life. I own enough books to start a small library of young adult fiction and I'm just too tried to read any of it. ANY OF IT!

I'm tired of school with its people just wanting to learn and its teachers teaching. I'm tired of watching people love some one and enjoy the time that they have with them. I'm tired of not having a job and no one needing me for anything because I have no experience. I'm tired of talking to my mother about how I feel and just having her look at me all sad and guilty. I'm tired of her sad looks and pushy "I just want to help". But its not helping. Its not helping at all!

I'm tired of hiding my feelings becasue no one wants to hear them. I'm so tired. Im just....I'm just soooooo tired. Why it that such a horrible thing? Why dosen't writting it down make me feel better? Why am I so tired? Why?! Why can't I just sleep and feel better! WHY!!

I just want to leave. Is that so horrible? Is it horrible that I want to leave my happy loving home whithout even a note? I know what I would take. I know what I would need. Is that so bad? Is it so horrible! I love my momma and my dad. I love my home. I love that I feel safe and they want me here, but...

I just don't know if I can stay here.

Solar FREAKIN' Roadways!

Disney's Frozen - "Let It Go"

Time Spent, Time Lost

I have been in a have these past couple of months and I know that because of it I will never remember what happened.

I do remember one thing...and it is something I am going to try and do with my life form now on. I am going to do what I want to do without a second thought as well as what I need to do.

If you knew me you would know that I never act when it comes to decisions. I think it over and then after looking at everything I act. But I don't want to do that anymore. Now I know with some things I will still think over my actions like with buying a new car or moving out of my parents house. But for now I will not analyze my small decisions and I will do what I have to do to stay healthy.

I don't know if all the decisions I make will be good for me, but I do know that going to college and deciding my future are good places to start. I hope it all works out for me in the end.

[Official Video] Daft Punk - Pentatonix (+playlist)

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Its official...I have lost her.

I know its silly to think that a baby would break a friendship, but I have to say that it just makes it official. I know I have told that I have had dark days in my past and that is why I moved out of my apartment and back in with my family. I needed them and they needed to know I was safe. Well as it turns out me moving out and telling my roommates, who I believe to be good friends, that I needed time for myself wasn't enough for them.

They told me that they could tell I was different when I first started being depressed and decided that I would talk about it when I wanted to. YEAH RIGHT!! Would you just walk up to you roommates one day and just say "I tried to kill myself last night. Just though you would want to know." Who would do that? I guess that's what they expected me to do. But no because I didn't want to talk they just let me go.

I have know these girls since freshman year in college and one of them since I was in Jr. High. I was her friend. I knew when something was wrong and made sure that I was their for her and tried my best to help and get her to talk to me. But could they do that for me when I really needed them too. No! Instead they just get mad and block me out of their lives. But that's not completely true. They did call me when they wanted me to pay the electric and water bills for the month because they couldn't afford it. I'm not saying that I pied the whole bill, but me being who I am and hoping that I would get me back in with them did pay half. And that $200 bucks is gone to me now as well as them.

Now, I have made great strides since they have been gone, but its really hard to come around completely when they have gotten everyone in your social circles to turn away from you and just left you alone. Family only gets u so far in this, in the end you need friends but I guess that is lost to me. I will just have to live with not having any and waiting for a man to come home every day. Its a life I could get use to...I think.

So back to the whole baby thing, need less to say. Its a big surprise when you wake up on a Sunday morning only to find my Facebook wall covered in pictures of her baby. God, I hope he gives her hell as he grows up. She has earned every ounce of it for being a horrible best friend.

My Best Friend - A Picture Song.

Is it time?

I feel like I should tell them...

I am not a social creature. I know that in this world of all living things humans need social interaction. I admit it is something I need, but it is an art that is lost to me. And it is because of this I am losing everyone.

That's not totally true. I have my family, but my friends have left me. I know that I was hiding when I moved out of the apartment and moved back home. But I never knew it would mean that I would lose all of my friends over there. I never knew that they would just hate me over a little money.

I feel its time to tell the world. But is the world ready to hear me?

Screen Grab - Simon's Cat

Month Skip

I'm sorry all but I have nothing to write about this month. I'm sad to say that I have been sick with the flu, had a horrible allergic reaction, money troubles, as well as a few family issues if it wasn't all bad enough.

So I have alot to deal with and can't write to you all right now. But on the plus side, I have given you all alittle Game Of Thrones action. So don't be too sad.

And if you want something to brighten your day I would suggest watching Tomska.

TomSka's Videos

Game Of Thrones Season 3: Trailer #2

Game Of Thrones: Season 1 & 2 Recap

Knew Understanding

I care too much.

I worry about my friends. I worry about their well being. I worry about their pain and issues. I worry about them and my family more than about myself. I know that is something everyone does and if nothing it makes me a good friend. But its something I shouldn't do. I being the worries home with me. I turn them into my problem. I try and fix their issues. I try and help them. I do so much for them that I turn form being a good friend into a mother. And that is not what I should be.

But the problem is that I feel that if I don't worry about them it makes me a horrible person. Some how I have it twisted in my head that if I don't worry about them then in some strange way I don't care. I don't care about them and then I am a selfish unfeeling person.

Is it true? Once we stop caring for some one dose that make us selfish? Or does it make us better people in the long run?

I don't know the answer, or if I ever will, but I do know one thing. I have to stop worrying for my friends. I have to stop being their mother because I am running my self in the ground worrying. My health has been horrible and I have come to understand it was because I was so worried about them and what they though of me that I was making myself walk around on pins and needles because of this. I need to let go. If not so they can grow, but for myself so I can be healthy again.