Mothers and Trust

I've come to understand recently that I have holes.

I'm am truly broken. 

Every one has these holes in them and for each they are different. One person may have one for love and not understand or have any while another doesn't trust like me. I don't trust. 

I don't trust any one in the world not even my own Mother. The woman who gave me life and cares for me and loves me unconditionally. And I don't trust her. What a horrible child I am?

What a horrible human being? How could I do this?

Its not like I was traumatized in my childhood or come from a broken home. If anything my life is wonderful and yet...I'm this!

I'm this horrible human being who says that she loves people and helps them with there problems never asking for anything only to take off her mask and not trust the one person who gave her life. 

No wonder I break all of my relationships and wish my self dead every night.

Green Eyed Monster

I have turned to the green eyes.

I have come to the understanding recently that I am jealous. I am jealous of other people and what they have that I don't.

I am jealous of those who find jobs so easily in this crappy economy. I don't understand how they can gain a job that they are so under qualified for and yet keep it. I won't say that I may be more qualified or anything like that but I fell that in some cases it is true. But who else wouldn't say that when someone who is 45, works at McDonald's who has to think of how to make change what person wouldn't?

I am jealous of those who don't have class anymore.Why do you have to go to college? I just got out of 12 years of schooling only to just go through four more years. It sucks! I just want a career and a life outside of a classroom.

They call to me in the night.

I am jealous of those who have true dreams. There are so many who have dreams in their lives. So many who reach for the stars and actually touch them. My dreams... To be honest there are days I wonder if I ever really had any. Maybe the dreams that I do have aren't even mine but what I believe I should have?

I am jealous of people who have lovers. Every where I look now has people in relationships. They kiss, hold hands, and just spend there time together. And every time I just turn green. I hate that everyone has this experience. Why can't I have some one? Why is it so hard to find another person? What is it that these people are doing that I'm not? And as if to make it worse, all of my flatmates flaunt there boy toys every night around here. And they wonder why I don't want to watch movies with them.

The emerald orbs are a wonderful beauty.

Anger For Anger Sake

I have come to understand something today. I hate being ignored.

......

No, that's not it. I hate it when I get the silent treatment, but you only say what you need to me. You say enough words that you need to so we can talk, but no more than necessary. Even more so when you don't tell me what is exactly wrong and you are just mad at me or the World for no reason. And its an easy way to piss me off!

And it was in this rage that I realized what really pisses me off. But for reasons sake, let's make this bullet points.

• Calling or telling me I was lie when I wasn't.
• Ignoring or give me the silent treatment.
• Not doing what you promised or said you would in a timely fashion.
• Taking or using something of mine without asking if you could.
• Falling though on a promise.
• Calling me any of the fallowing; Stupid, Idiot, Dumb Dumb-ass, and Bitch.
• Scaring the crap out of me.
• Bad mouthing either my family, friends, or acquaintances.
• Not helping some one who is obvious need of help.
• Bullying of others in general.

I believe...that is all of them in no particular order. But if I think of more I will ad to the list.

The reason for this? Well I should list things that piss me off as knowing something about myself as much as  the good things. Or should I say the nicer things.

Updates

Well I guess I have to apologise to those of you who were reading this...if there are any of you.

I know that I was horrible and that this WHOLE summer I did nothing. So sorry. I was busy with alot of odd jobs, family affairs and problem as well as events with friends. After all of them I was to tired to think of what to write, or just to tired to function.

Anyway, I would like to tell you that I am back and I will be going back to my one post every month. But don't be surprised if you find that I will have posted two.

Welcome Back to Classes.

Updates

Hey.

I just wanted to inform you all...if any of you are reading...that I am going to be doing more posts now. My time here at college is almost over for the semester so I'm thinking I will up my posts now. I think I will start posting twice a month now.

I don't know how long it will last but, I hope to do so for the next few months. If I get to continue in Fall semester than I do, but if I don't I'm sorry if this disappoints you. But any way...expect two posts next month.

Have a wonderful Spring!

All Things Leave Scars

Sex is for everyone...

It has come to me that it is time for me to talk. I have had the nightmares again and it seems to be everywhere I look reminding me of what happened. There has been a spike of sexual assaults and rapes here on campus of late. It think it has something to do with the end of the year and the nice weather, but that isn't the point.

I want to tell you about my experience. No, I will not go into detail. No, I am not going to make this up because I'm hoping for people to fallow my blog. If you have read the first post you know this. These are all things I know and I know I was sexually molested.

It was my Sophomore year in high school. It was a horrible thing and no one helped me. The school would do nothing without prof of it and as it happened people watched as if it was normal and laughed as if it was funny. As you can guess it happened on the bus every morning. He would get on the bus and ignore me but one day it changed and then he was there. His hands on me and whisperers of sweet words in my ear. I would cry out and tell him to stop but it was pointless. Everyone would laugh as if it was funny or ignore me thinking I was just wanting attention. I told teachers, who sent me to the councilor, who said that I need prof of it. The bus driver would glare at me everyday after this like it was my fault that it had happened. And sadly nothing changed.

I would like to say that I finally stood up for myself and beat him up, but it isn't true. I just ran. I pushed for my drivers license and drove to school every chance I got. I would catch rides with friends and just do anything to avoid the bus. I had felt like it was my fault that all of it happened. I was so sure after all if it that It was my fault, but it wasn't. I realize now that it was that horrible boys fault and everyone around me as well. they should have talked for me. They should have know that it was something I didn't like or want. And even more when I asked for help I should have got it.

I want to tell you this because everyone should have a voice. Everyone has things they can't talk about. It may be worst than this or not but that doesn't matter. Everything leaves a scar. I have to say that I am still scared of this boy and in turn he has given me a fear of taller people. I know it sounds sill, but when you are short to begin with it kind makes it hard to walk out your front door every day.

...and it should never be taken.

Life's Questions

Its true that some people are lonely. And that every one at some time in there lives has felt this. But what about me?

I know it sounds selfish and horrible to say, but really I want to know. What about me? I am going to be 21 this year and I am still a virgin, have never had more than ten dates let alone a true relationship and has just gotten my first kiss only last year. Its sad and horrible to admit this but its the truth. I know the reason why I am like this is because I am such a shy person. I'm afraid to make friends let alone some one I though was attractive and wanted to date. I have talked to people and have never heard from them again. Sure I get the unsure and totally acquired 'Hi' 'What's up?' and the classic 'Haven't seen you in awhile'. But they all mean nothing other than to break the tension and to keep moving.

Am I just the acquired and don't know it? Am I unappealing in some way? Do I say the wrong things? So I ask again, what about me? Why is it so hard to be who you are and still have people who want to be around you? Its at this point that I wonder why I'm hear and question everything about myself. I wonder why I was born? What or even if there is a purpose for me? And even more important, why try? Why try to make friends? Why try to love another person? Why don't any of these things? Loneliness doesn't go away. I always comes back. It always has a way of making its self into your life. So why try? Why keep asking questions? Because it seems like the only answer really is me.

I'm a horrible person and I don't belong here.