Love and Heartbreak

I want a relationship.

I want to wake up next to some one who will look at me without make-up on and my hair a mess and tell me I'm the most beautiful person in the world. Is that such a horrible thing? Is it an impossible dream? I want some one to love me the way my parents love each other. The way that seniors walk hand in hand through the mall smiling like they were still teenagers in love. I want some one who will see me and want to know me as much as I want to know them.

But I guess that's an impossible dream. I want to say that I hate you. I want to say that what you are in this world is wrong. I want to make you kick down my door and tell me that you love me. But I know that won't happen. You're mad at me. And I'm mad at myself. I told you things and said things that I shouldn't have. I made you believe that somewhere inside me, I hate what you are. But that isn't true.

I want you to be the one to wake up to in the morning. I want you to be my first, but that isn't going to happen. I'm going to keep waking up alone. And I think that's best. I will miss hearing from you and I will miss the thoughts and dreams you created. But its time to cleanse you from my mind. I need you to know one thing... I love you and I always will. I know this, but I need to get rid of you as well.

I am moving on with my life. I need to grow as a person and I know that will never happen unless I focus on it. I will never be a girl, but at the same time I will never be a woman. I need to find myself and where I fit in the world. I need one thing in my life. College. I'm putting myself back into my classes and nothing more. I maybe making a mistake and I might regret it one day, but its something I need to do. I know for sure what I want here and I will not let that go just because of some bad grades and time unused.

I don't love you any more.