I have come to understand recently that I am a disappointment.
Why an I this? Oh, its simple. I am fail college. I can not hold on to a man even though he is hopelessly in love with me. And to make it better, I have no drive to do anything any more.
Since I am failing college, I am a disappointment to my parents. They wanted the best for me and trying to give the best future possible by putting themselves in debt and helping me pay for classes that I just fail. I have no drive to go to class or even get out of bed every day. I have to tell myself that if I don't someone will know that there is something wrong. I don't want to tell my parents that I have failed them. I do not want to disappoint them more. I have done enough to make there lives hard that I don't want to do this too. I do not want to just be a huge disappointment to them. I want someone to see how much I am broken right now, but at the same time I do not and just want to go on like nothing is wrong. This is growing up right? This is how it is suppose to be?
I went on a few dates recently with this wonderful guy. He is nice, sweet and good to me. He tells me I am beautiful and that its cute when I go off on my nerd/geek tangents. He wonderful. But there is just no spark for me. There is nothing there. And so I had to tell him that. I told him the worst thing ever! 'I just want to be friends.' 'Its not you, its me.' Why did I do that? I know it was only a few dates, but I couldn't get past Steve. I would talk about Justin to my friends and tell them all of the wonderful things he would do for me, but I called him Steve. I never really had anything real deep with Steve and the way we broke it off was horrible. But now it looks like I am either waiting for him to come back to me or I just can not get over him. It was never anything super serious and yet I can not move past him.
As for my no drive, I do not know what is wrong with me. I do not want to go to class. I do now want to draw. I do not want to read books. I do not want to do homework. I do not want to do chores. I do not want to watch TV. I do not even want to take a shower. I have to force myself to get up and go to class which dose not work some days. Out of my five classes right now, I think I can pass two of them. For sleep, I get maybe two or four hours every night. I have not picked up a book in months, even a textbook! I do the chores to avoid talking to my friends and hide behind them. I just hate myself apparently. The only thing I seem to want to do is eat. I do not feel hungry, but I am constantly eating. All I know is that I am hating myself more and more every day.
Its a wonder I am still here right now.
