Feed Me - Simon's Cat

A New Years Resolution

Well another year and a new place.

Alot has happened to me in a short time; I dropped out of college, started up at a new one, moved back home with my parents, started seeing a shrink, made up with an old flame and told him I was still hopelessly in love with him, and am still wishing that some days I could just die.

Its alot to have happen to me in such a few short weeks but I think its all for the best. I have to say that since I moved back home and took the big step and talked with my parents and had a REAL talk with them; I have felt better. I don't know what it is exactly that happened or what did it but, I think I'm happy again. I have to admit though that I had a relapse some time in the early morning. There was a point that I wished I was never here, but that was short. This is nothing new for me to wish for death or wonder if it was my time. But I have to say that the guilt I feel when it happens has gotten worse and that is most likely because of my parents.

I sure wish my Mother would stop treating me like I'm broken though...I wish it was some one else treating me like that.

But even with all this change I have seen some clarity. My friends that I live with, even if they are wonderful people, are all horribly self centered. One decided that even though her "boy friend" had molested one of her own roommates decided that even though they all wanted to help her move on and work through the break-up went back to him and has yet to tell any of us to our face because that would be fighting; even though she is always willing to call fowl on any of us when we even say anything remotely negative.

The second made a horrible miscalculation and ended up pregnant. She has decided that she is going to keep the baby dispute her ex-boyfriends protests and raise the child on her own. But I don't think she realizes that she is not thinking of the child and its needs even now before the first trimester is over and is to childish and self-centered to take care of a child.

Lastly, the third dispute her moral values and love of the world seems to believe that the more she ignores all of her friends problems will go away like they are a cold or something.

And as if that isn't bad enough, none of them never once really asked if something was ever bothering me or even bothered to act like they were listening to my problems; it didn't matter if I had been closed in my room of weeks or had just walked through the apartment door. They just decided that no matter what I did or said was wrong and that gave them the right to yell and lecture me as if they were my Mother. 

I sure know how to pick my friends...

Seasons Greatings

I know its late, but...

I wish you all a wonderfully merry Christmas and an extremely,

 happy and prosperous New Year.

Dumb Ways to Die

Why Can't I Move?

I have come to understand recently that I am a disappointment.

Why an I this? Oh, its simple. I am fail college. I can not hold on to a man even though he is hopelessly in love with me. And to make it better, I have no drive to do anything any more.

Since I am failing college, I am a disappointment to my parents. They wanted the best for me and trying to give the best future possible by putting themselves in debt and helping me pay for classes that I just fail. I have no drive to go to class or even get out of bed every day. I have to tell myself that if I don't someone will know that there is something wrong. I don't want to tell my parents that I have failed them. I do not want to disappoint them more. I have done enough to make there lives hard that I don't want to do this too. I do not want to just be a huge disappointment to them. I want someone to see how much I am broken right now, but at the same time I do not and just want to go on like nothing is wrong. This is growing up right? This is how it is suppose to be?

I went on a few dates recently with this wonderful guy. He is nice, sweet and good to me. He tells me I am beautiful and that its cute when I go off on my nerd/geek tangents. He wonderful. But there is just no spark for me. There is nothing there. And so I had to tell him that. I told him the worst thing ever! 'I just want to be friends.' 'Its not you, its me.' Why did I do that? I know it was only a few dates, but I couldn't get past Steve. I would talk about Justin to my friends and tell them all of the wonderful things he would do for me, but I called him Steve. I never really had anything real deep with Steve and the way we broke it off was horrible. But now it looks like I am either waiting for him to come back to me or I just can not get over him. It was never anything super serious and yet I can not move past him.

As for my no drive, I do not know what is wrong with me. I do not want to go to class. I do now want to draw. I do not want to read books. I do not want to do homework. I do not want to do chores. I do not want to watch TV. I do not even want to take a shower. I have to force myself to get up and go to class which dose not work some days. Out of my five classes right now, I think I can pass two of them. For sleep, I get maybe two or four hours every night. I have not picked up a book in months, even a textbook! I do the chores to avoid talking to my friends and hide behind them. I just hate myself apparently. The only thing I seem to want to do is eat. I do not feel hungry, but I am constantly eating. All I know is that I am hating myself more and more every day.

Its a wonder I am still here right now.

Mothers and Trust

I've come to understand recently that I have holes.

I'm am truly broken. 

Every one has these holes in them and for each they are different. One person may have one for love and not understand or have any while another doesn't trust like me. I don't trust. 

I don't trust any one in the world not even my own Mother. The woman who gave me life and cares for me and loves me unconditionally. And I don't trust her. What a horrible child I am?

What a horrible human being? How could I do this?

Its not like I was traumatized in my childhood or come from a broken home. If anything my life is wonderful and yet...I'm this!

I'm this horrible human being who says that she loves people and helps them with there problems never asking for anything only to take off her mask and not trust the one person who gave her life. 

No wonder I break all of my relationships and wish my self dead every night.

Green Eyed Monster

I have turned to the green eyes.

I have come to the understanding recently that I am jealous. I am jealous of other people and what they have that I don't.

I am jealous of those who find jobs so easily in this crappy economy. I don't understand how they can gain a job that they are so under qualified for and yet keep it. I won't say that I may be more qualified or anything like that but I fell that in some cases it is true. But who else wouldn't say that when someone who is 45, works at McDonald's who has to think of how to make change what person wouldn't?

I am jealous of those who don't have class anymore.Why do you have to go to college? I just got out of 12 years of schooling only to just go through four more years. It sucks! I just want a career and a life outside of a classroom.

They call to me in the night.

I am jealous of those who have true dreams. There are so many who have dreams in their lives. So many who reach for the stars and actually touch them. My dreams... To be honest there are days I wonder if I ever really had any. Maybe the dreams that I do have aren't even mine but what I believe I should have?

I am jealous of people who have lovers. Every where I look now has people in relationships. They kiss, hold hands, and just spend there time together. And every time I just turn green. I hate that everyone has this experience. Why can't I have some one? Why is it so hard to find another person? What is it that these people are doing that I'm not? And as if to make it worse, all of my flatmates flaunt there boy toys every night around here. And they wonder why I don't want to watch movies with them.

The emerald orbs are a wonderful beauty.