Updates

Hey.

I just wanted to inform you all...if any of you are reading...that I am going to be doing more posts now. My time here at college is almost over for the semester so I'm thinking I will up my posts now. I think I will start posting twice a month now.

I don't know how long it will last but, I hope to do so for the next few months. If I get to continue in Fall semester than I do, but if I don't I'm sorry if this disappoints you. But any way...expect two posts next month.

Have a wonderful Spring!

All Things Leave Scars

Sex is for everyone...

It has come to me that it is time for me to talk. I have had the nightmares again and it seems to be everywhere I look reminding me of what happened. There has been a spike of sexual assaults and rapes here on campus of late. It think it has something to do with the end of the year and the nice weather, but that isn't the point.

I want to tell you about my experience. No, I will not go into detail. No, I am not going to make this up because I'm hoping for people to fallow my blog. If you have read the first post you know this. These are all things I know and I know I was sexually molested.

It was my Sophomore year in high school. It was a horrible thing and no one helped me. The school would do nothing without prof of it and as it happened people watched as if it was normal and laughed as if it was funny. As you can guess it happened on the bus every morning. He would get on the bus and ignore me but one day it changed and then he was there. His hands on me and whisperers of sweet words in my ear. I would cry out and tell him to stop but it was pointless. Everyone would laugh as if it was funny or ignore me thinking I was just wanting attention. I told teachers, who sent me to the councilor, who said that I need prof of it. The bus driver would glare at me everyday after this like it was my fault that it had happened. And sadly nothing changed.

I would like to say that I finally stood up for myself and beat him up, but it isn't true. I just ran. I pushed for my drivers license and drove to school every chance I got. I would catch rides with friends and just do anything to avoid the bus. I had felt like it was my fault that all of it happened. I was so sure after all if it that It was my fault, but it wasn't. I realize now that it was that horrible boys fault and everyone around me as well. they should have talked for me. They should have know that it was something I didn't like or want. And even more when I asked for help I should have got it.

I want to tell you this because everyone should have a voice. Everyone has things they can't talk about. It may be worst than this or not but that doesn't matter. Everything leaves a scar. I have to say that I am still scared of this boy and in turn he has given me a fear of taller people. I know it sounds sill, but when you are short to begin with it kind makes it hard to walk out your front door every day.

...and it should never be taken.

Life's Questions

Its true that some people are lonely. And that every one at some time in there lives has felt this. But what about me?

I know it sounds selfish and horrible to say, but really I want to know. What about me? I am going to be 21 this year and I am still a virgin, have never had more than ten dates let alone a true relationship and has just gotten my first kiss only last year. Its sad and horrible to admit this but its the truth. I know the reason why I am like this is because I am such a shy person. I'm afraid to make friends let alone some one I though was attractive and wanted to date. I have talked to people and have never heard from them again. Sure I get the unsure and totally acquired 'Hi' 'What's up?' and the classic 'Haven't seen you in awhile'. But they all mean nothing other than to break the tension and to keep moving.

Am I just the acquired and don't know it? Am I unappealing in some way? Do I say the wrong things? So I ask again, what about me? Why is it so hard to be who you are and still have people who want to be around you? Its at this point that I wonder why I'm hear and question everything about myself. I wonder why I was born? What or even if there is a purpose for me? And even more important, why try? Why try to make friends? Why try to love another person? Why don't any of these things? Loneliness doesn't go away. I always comes back. It always has a way of making its self into your life. So why try? Why keep asking questions? Because it seems like the only answer really is me.

I'm a horrible person and I don't belong here.

Loyalty

I love my friends.

Now what you have to know that even though I'm here in college my friends from high school are still the best people I know. We still keep in touch and every chance we get we spend time together. They are my favorite people and they keep me grounded. But what I learned a few weeks ago made my love them more.

I had found that they had tried to protect me. I was the girl in high school that wanted to date but I never did because no one ever interested me or if they did they were in a relationship. Well as it turns out it was my friends that did this. My two best girl friends had stopped some boys in there attempts to date. Now most people would be mad, but to me I just laughed.

I found it funny that they protected me and at the same time I was proud to have them. It was a that point that I discovered true loyalty. They knew what I wanted and yet they still went on with there plans. I know that its silly and a really uninteresting thing. But to me it is a life changing event. And I would want them to do it all over again.

Its true loyalty.

Love and Heartbreak

I want a relationship.

I want to wake up next to some one who will look at me without make-up on and my hair a mess and tell me I'm the most beautiful person in the world. Is that such a horrible thing? Is it an impossible dream? I want some one to love me the way my parents love each other. The way that seniors walk hand in hand through the mall smiling like they were still teenagers in love. I want some one who will see me and want to know me as much as I want to know them.

But I guess that's an impossible dream. I want to say that I hate you. I want to say that what you are in this world is wrong. I want to make you kick down my door and tell me that you love me. But I know that won't happen. You're mad at me. And I'm mad at myself. I told you things and said things that I shouldn't have. I made you believe that somewhere inside me, I hate what you are. But that isn't true.

I want you to be the one to wake up to in the morning. I want you to be my first, but that isn't going to happen. I'm going to keep waking up alone. And I think that's best. I will miss hearing from you and I will miss the thoughts and dreams you created. But its time to cleanse you from my mind. I need you to know one thing... I love you and I always will. I know this, but I need to get rid of you as well.

I am moving on with my life. I need to grow as a person and I know that will never happen unless I focus on it. I will never be a girl, but at the same time I will never be a woman. I need to find myself and where I fit in the world. I need one thing in my life. College. I'm putting myself back into my classes and nothing more. I maybe making a mistake and I might regret it one day, but its something I need to do. I know for sure what I want here and I will not let that go just because of some bad grades and time unused.

I don't love you any more.

The Things I Say

I'm all talk and no bite.

I like to talk about what I do. I like to say that I will be tough and that things bother me, but that isn't true. I'm not a tough person. I don't beat people up. I don't yell at them. I don't do any of that. I let people tell me what to do. I apologise to those who have wronged me like it was my fault I ended up in the garbage can and made them laugh. I'm the escape goat that everyone like to use. I'm the one that never says no even though I will be running myself into the ground trying to make things better for you. I am a doormat. I do things for others that I may not even know just because I feel that it is right. Hours of time and energy all for a simple thank you or a smile and I feel it was a justified cause. I base my actions on what is right and what is wrong. I save a cat from off the street because I think its right. I tell the police who the man was that stole my car because it is right. I don't cheat on tests because its wrong. I never lie because its wrong. Right and wrong dictate my actions. People dictate my actions. My life is controlled all by others. And yet I still wake up every morning.

What a stupid person I am...

My Relationship With You

I still love you.

I will admit that the reason I broke up with you was because I was scared of opening myself up to anyone. I thought, 'How was I suppose to be open with you when I didn't know who I was?' Was that fair? No. To me it was a horrible thing and it broke me inside and to you....I don't know what it truly did but I do know that you still love me. And I have to say that it still scares me.

The thought of loving another person doesn't bother me. I make friends all the time and I love them. But to have someone who wants to spend the rest of their life with me or who wants to wake me up in the morning and tell me good morning and kiss me goodnight everyday, for some reason it scares me that it is you. My mother told me it was because I like you. She said that I was suppose to be scared and I know deep down she was right. But it wasn't meant to be.

You are a wonderful person and you dreamed of seeing the world in the army and I knew that even in out short few weeks together and long texts into the wee morning hours that you would give it all up for a relationship. I knew you wanted what I did, a love that would last a life time. And so I gave you up. I did it for you. I decided that if I wasn't there that you would go on with your life and do what you wanted. So where in my mind I turned this into a bad plot of a romantic chick flick and for that I'm sorry.

To be honest, I think I gave you up because I was scared that you would ask me to go with you and......I knew I would go. I knew that without a second though I would leave my family behind and fallow you. My heart would tell me that it would all be fine and my brain would fallow. But as soon as I could stop and think again, I would regret my choice. I would feel stupid for going with you and not having anything to fall back on. What would I have? I would be a college drop out with nothing but a man in the army who could leave at anytime. No, my mother may have done that, but it was a different time then and college wasn't needed to get a job. She made my father her dream, but I was a horrible person and could not do that.

I'm truly sorry for what I did to you. And if I could go back and fix it, I would. If I could do anything about it at all I would. But there is nothing to make this better or change it in anyway. And I'm so sorry. I love you...still and I know I always will. More than I should as a friend, but I only meant for the best. No matter how stupid I was at this point in my life. One day when I see you again I will show this to you not just because I know you will ask me why I did it, but because I will need to do this as much as you. All I hope is that this will make it better....for both of us.